an intern in washington dc goes missing and the congressman from her district in california is questioned the actor robert blake’s wife is found murdered in the passenger seat of his car madonna announces her first tour in over a decade the drowned world tour and you think that about says it all www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

you look up from the podium during your reading and see the actress molly ringwald cutting through the crowd finding a place in the corner after the reading you’re relieved to find your editor in the back of the room though your interaction with him is a bit awkward before you can launch into an apology about the whole thing and explain your side molly ringwald appears and it’s clear they are a couple and all else is washed away in pleasantries www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

you feel strongly that whoever wrote the review should have to sign his or her name to it that publishers weekly shouldn’t be publishing anonymous reviews if someone feels strongly about a book one way or the other shouldn’t do so behind a curtain also the review mentions bret easton ellis twice which makes you suspect he’s the real target of the reviewer’s disdain you immediately recall an episode at harold ober where the editor of the los angeles review of books called the agent of one of ober’s authors who publicly hated an author with a new book out the editor wanted to hire the ober author to review the author he hated a setup the ober author rightly declined but the fact that the editor initiated the request spooked you around that time you’d been reading a memoir by the long-dead legendary new york times critic anatole broyard who joyfully confessed that it was the job of the critic to bring writers down a notch which he had done time and again all of it swirling in your head as you brooded about the publishers weekly review www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

the rapper eminem and his wife reconcile the magazine editor at shout who ran your piece on the rapper tupac shakur invites you to a party in chelsea thrown for a new magazine edited by the daughter of the rolling stones guitarist keith richards neither of you knowing in advance that keith richards is going to be at the party the magazine editor says oh my god when he spots the recognizable silhouette of the legendary guitarist you tell him he should go say something to richards and the magazine editor admits the thought makes him so nervous he might vomit www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

a pop culture magazine called shout publishes an early excerpt of we’re so famous by arrangement with bloomsbury usa and the magazine editor asks if you want to contribute nonfiction and you pitch an article about how the rapper tupac shakur’s fans believe he isn’t really dead and will rise again on a date in the future you’re not much of a rap fan so you consult your youngest brother who is to get the facts straight shout loves the idea and runs the piece the whitewater investigation against president clinton closes without any charges being leveled mister rogers from mister rogers’ neighborhood is diagnosed with stomach cancer and announces the end of his showwww.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

an agent in the midst of a divorce rents an empty office at harold ober and you ask him to represent the oral biography of bret easton ellis and he agrees to send it around for you the rapper eminem records a song wherein he describes killing his estranged wife eminem’s estranged wife attends his concert on his promise that he won’t perform the song he wrote about her but he does anyway and she leaves distraught getting in a car wreck on the way home once home she tries to commit suicide by slitting her wrists everyone is afraid of contracting the west nile virus which is spread through mosquitoes the bride who had her tv marriage to the millionaire annulled poses for playboy www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

there’s some question as to whether or not the millionaire from the reality show is actually a millionaire and it comes to light that the millionaire is using a fake name and his former girlfriend had to file a restraining order against him when she ended their relationship all the police officers who riddled the immigrant reaching for his wallet with forty-one bullets are acquitted the rapper puff daddy pleads not guilty to charges he tried to bribe his driver into saying the gun used at the nightclub shooting was his a cuban boy whose mother drowned trying to cross the waters into florida and who has been staying with his relatives in miami is seized and returned to cuba to the boy’s father the tug-of-war between the united states and cuba over the boy won by cuba the rapper eminem is arrested twice once for assaulting a man he witnessed kissing his estranged wife outside of a nightclub and another time for waving a gun at rival rappers insane clown posse www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

as the clock counts down to the year 2000 the overzealous wait with bated breath for the end of times but when the calendar turns to january all that really happens is a couple of credit card machines refuse to process sales and a bank of slot machines at a casino in delaware all quit working the rapper puff daddy is charged in the incident in the nightclub with jennifer lopez the band rage against the machine plays a concert on wall street and the swelling crowds cause the markets to close early for security reasonswww.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

no one can figure out for sure if the movie the blair witch project is real or not you see it even though you don’t really like horror films and you can’t tell but think the marketing campaign is to blame for the confusion which is the filmmaker’s intention and everyone proclaims the use of the internet in this way as genius the government pays the heirs of abraham zapruder tens of millions of dollars rather than relinquish the footage of kennedy’s assassination they confiscated that november day in dallas michael jackson’s wife debbie rowe files for divorce the learjet carrying golfer payne stewart from florida to texas veers off course and the fighters that scrambled to escort it see that everyone inside is dead beatle george harrison is stabbed in his home by an intruder the rapper puff daddy and his girlfriend the actress jennifer lopez are at a new york city nightclub where a scuffle breaks out shots are fired and the rapper is arrestedwww.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

doctor jack kevorkian the euthanasia booster present at a number of suicides over the years is arrested when he actually helps someone commit suicide the magician david blaine is buried in a plastic coffin under a tank of water for a week across the street from trump plaza everyone stopping by to have their picture taken with the entombed magician the rapper puff daddy is arrested for assaulting the manager of another rapper over a crucifixion scene in a music video the girl who played the sister on diff’rent strokes dies of an accidental overdose www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

michael jordan retires for the last time and for good the televangelist jerry falwell warns parents that one of the teletubbies the one called tinky winky is really gay and bad for children a twenty-two-year-old immigrant from guinea is shot forty-one times on the landing of his apartment in the bronx by four police officers who mistake him for a rape suspect and further mistake his reaching for his wallet as him reaching for a gun you place gene siskel who owns the suit john travolta wore in the movie saturday night fever dies from complications after surgery for brain cancerwww.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

the woman who previously stalked late-night host david letterman stealing his porsche and sleeping near the tennis courts of his home in connecticut kneels in front of a train in colorado the house of representatives authorizes an impeachment inquiry against president clinton sportscaster marv albert’s criminal record is wiped clean after a year of good behavior two teens in wyoming pretend to be gay and lure an openly gay kid to a remote area and beat and rob him and chain him to a fence the actor michael j fox who played that kid you loved on that show when you were a kid and all the back to the future movies too announces he has parkinson’s disease the new york tabloids are ablaze with headlines about the comedian jerry seinfeld and a woman he met at a health club who was recently married to the son of a prominent theater family the woman ends the marriage after four months and begins dating seinfeld president clinton settles with paula jones over her lawsuit without admitting any wrongdoing www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

president clinton is subpoenaed in the lewinsky matter a few days later lewinsky meets with kenneth starr and admits to a sexual encounter with the president the very next day lewinsky is granted immunity president clinton agrees to testify voluntarily lewinsky hands over one of her dresses which rumor has it contains some of the president’s dna on it the little kid from diff’rent strokes everyone loved is arrested for punching a woman who asks for his autograph while he’s shopping for a bulletproof vest for his job as a security guard paula jones’s lawyers appeal to have her lawsuit against the president reinstated bret easton ellis invites you to dinner at the bowery bar mark mcgwire and sammy sosa are in a race to break the long-held single-season home run record kenneth starr turns in the results of his investigation and calls for the impeachment of president clinton www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

drinks with friends at minetta’s for your birthday and you’re standing at the crowded bar trying to get the bar manager’s attention and when you look in the mirror behind the bar you see the actor who played ferris bueller is standing next to you and it takes everything you have not to turn to him and tell him how much you loved ferris and fancied that you were him when you were in high school and when you wake in the morning with a concussive headache you’re proud of yourself for having not said a word frank sinatra dies and the empire state building is lit up blue as a tribute the comedian phil hartman is murdered in his sleep by his wife while their two children sleep in their rooms in the same house the wife flees and brings back a friend to try to help her figure out what to do and when the friend isn’t looking she locks herself in the house and commits suicidewww.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

monica lewinsky wants immunity from kenneth starr who is leading the investigation of president clinton and his alleged misdeeds a white male in his thirties is arrested at sky harbor airport in phoenix for verbally abusing an airport employee and it turns out to be axl rose the front man of guns n’ roses that no one has seen in years the rumor is he lives in a mansion by the ocean in california and never leaves it just rehearsing and rehearsing music no one will ever hear a homemade sex tape of the actress pamela anderson and her husband tommy lee the drummer for the heavy-metal band mötley crüe stolen by a disgruntled electrician working on their house becomes available to the public one half of the disgraced musical duo milli vanilli the ones who had to give back their grammy when it was revealed they were lip-synchers is found dead in his hotel room from a drug overdose www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

sonny from sonny and cher dies when he hits a tree while skiing in nevada the teacher in washington state impregnated by her twelve-year-old student is released from prison early and told to stay away from the student monica lewinsky files an affidavit in the paula jones lawsuit denying she had a sexual relationship with president clinton and a week or so later president clinton gives similar testimony someone named matt drudge runs an e-mail newsletter about politics and hollywood gossip and he includes an item about a story by a newsweek magazine reporter about some secretly taped conversations that monica lewinsky’s colleague at the pentagon recorded where lewinsky admits having sexual relations with the president drudge’s story is just about how the newsweek story was suppressed internally but a couple of days later the scandal hits all the press outlets at once it seems www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

when you pack for the trip back to belgium at christmas you let your friend in connecticut know you won’t return and you’re not sure if that means just to her apartment or if it means something more you’re welcomed like a long-lost son-in-law by the au pair’s family when you return but outside of a nice christmas dinner at their house you don’t see them your old high school friend from phoenix flies to london and you and the au pair meet him there for a planned trip to celebrate hogmanay the new year’s celebration in edinburgh you and your high school friend have always talked about attending but first you stop north of london at the house of a girl your friend met in his travels abroad the house is in willoughby waterleys a small village with a pub at the end of the lane the girl’s house is a two-story georgian called the old rectory and she’s there with her mother and sisters her youngish father having recently and tragically died while working in the garden the house cast in a pall but in english fashion you’re received and put up in the part of the house that has heat you’re asked to sign the guest book and you notice the actress helena bonham carter has recently signed it too www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

the lead singer of the band inxs which you saw all those years ago in high school hangs himself in a hotel room maybe it’s an accident maybe it’s something else even a scurrilous rumor about autoerotic sex gone awry the actor chris farley is found dead in his chicago apartment from a drug overdose paula jones’s lawyers subpoena a former white house intern in jones’s ongoing sexual harassment suit against the president the director woody allen marries the adopted daughter of his former lover the actress mia farrow who played daisy in the film version of the great gatsbywww.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

the singer john denver is killed when the plane he is flying runs out of gas you go to see the writer denis johnson read from his new book at the new school and wonder if he remembers a time in the not-too-distant past when he visited the university of arizona and you asked him a couple of questions raising your hand when no one else would out of nervousness or whatever a girl you meet who works for george plimpton the legendary writer and founder of the literary magazine the paris review invites you to one of the equally legendary paris review parties at plimpton’s house overlooking the east river the room filled with names and at least some faces you recognize from the literary world a famous television personality bumps you off the corner of the pool table doubling as a buffet table to get to the food www.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX

marv albert goes on trial for sodomizing and biting a women he’d known for years the tabloids full of details like a woman grabbing albert’s toupee only for it to come off after four days of testimony albert pleads guilty to a lesser charge the promise keepers a christian organization for men founded by a former college football coach march on washington some suspect the group uses the bible to assert men’s superiority over women especially in marriage a handful of women allegedly sexually harassed by president clinton are subpoenaed by the lawyers for paula joneswww.weresofamous.comwww.jaimeclarke.com@TypicaloftheX