Become A Calm Mama

If you’ve ever wished you could make life less complicated, you’re going to love my guest on today’s podcast. Brenda Yoder is here with me talking about contentment - what it is, how to cultivate it and what is keeping you from feeling satisfied with your life.You’ll Learn:Why there is more discontent in our current society that in past generationsHow contentment and happiness are different from each otherCommon challenges to feeling content7 strategies for bringing more contentment into your lifeThe exercise I used to create more contentment in my marriageMy invitation to you today, Mama, is to chase contentment. Choose it. Figure out how to bring more of it into each moment. You’re already good enough.-------------------------------My guest, Brenda Yoder, is a licensed mental health counselor, school counselor, speaker and educator. She is also the author of Uncomplicated: Simple Secrets for a Compelling Life; and Fledge: Launching Your Kids without Losing Your Mind.She’s the cohost of the Midlife Moms Podcast and Facebook community. She also hosts and writes the Life Beyond the Picket Fence podcast and blog, covering a variety of topics on faith, life, and family beyond the storybook image. Uncomplicating Your LifeBrenda lives in a small Amish-Mennonite community, and sees how tourists flock there because there is something in that lifestyle that they want in their own lives.How many of us watch Hallmark movies at the holidays and long for those quaint towns and communities? We’re drawn to the uncomplicated, less chaotic, less busy way of life. Visitors to Brenda’s town think they would have to be Amish in order to have that simplicity and satisfaction. But contentment isn’t about where you live or what you have or don’t have. It’s more internal - how you view the world and what you value. As a working mom to 4 kids and now a grandma to 3 little ones, Brenda understands that there’s more to an uncomplicated life than just “slowing down”. She says, “It really is a sense of values clarification.” Clarifying our values, modeling them and seeing them lived out is not as common as it was in previous generations. Instead, we’re inundated by technology, social media and other distractions.In Brenda’s book, Uncomplicated, she outlines ten virtues, mindsets and behaviors for an uncomplicated life: resourcefulness, practicality, fidelity, equanimity & forbearance, stewardship, interdependence, being grounded and humble, foresight prudence and, of course, contentment. A Culture of DiscontentBrenda defines discontentment as “that one thing that’s always out of your reach.” Maybe it’s always looking to a new goal or experience as soon as you achieve something. As a parent, you might find yourself constantly looking ahead to the next stage, wishing for your kid to have better grades or better behavior. When you are discontent, you’ll always be looking at what’s out of reach, rather than seeing what you already have that can fill you up. You take things for granted, and nothing ever seems to be enough.Finding contentment comes back to asking yourself, “What if today is as good as it gets?” Can you be content and satisfied with what is here? Brenda explains that many people confuse contentment with happiness, but they are not the same. She says, “Contentment is a sense of ‘I am full, and I don’t need more’.”In helping moms raise emotionally healthy kids, contentment is huge. We don’t want our kids to grow up and be people who are chronically dissatisfied with their life. Our kids pick up on what we model and how we view our lives. Obstacles to ContentmentMany aspects of...

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective therapeutic models to help people move through negative emotion and create long term change in the way they think, feel and behave in their lives. Today, I’m showing you how you can use the powerful concepts behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy  in parenting.You’ll Learn:Why Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is such a powerful toolHow your thoughts affect the way you show up as a parentHow to feel less triggered by your kid’s behaviorSome of my favorite tools and strategies for seeing your child in a more positive lightA big part of CALM (the first step in my 4-step Calm Mama Process) is calming yourself when your nervous system gets activated. But I want to take it a step further. I want to help you learn how to not get activated in the first place. Imagine if you were able to stay in your calm state of mind and not get triggered by your kid’s behavior. How cool would that be?! ---------------------------What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?Cognitive (or cognition) is just a fancy word for thinking. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) teaches strategies to think differently so that you act differently. It was created in the 1960s by a psychiatrist named Aaron Beck when he realized that there are three separate parts of cognition. Automatic thoughts - Default thoughts that come from how we were raised and what we’ve learned from societyCognitive distortions - “Thought errors” where our thoughts can be extreme or untrueUnderlying beliefs - Core beliefs we have about ourselves and the world, which guide our point of view but may or may not be true for usCBT invites you to examine your thinking so that your beliefs help you show up the way you want to. The coaching model that I use is based in cognitive behavior therapy. The idea is that something happens (a circumstance) >> I have a thought about what happened >> That thought creates a feeling >> I act on that feeling. Basically, your thoughts and feelings create how you show up for your kid (and the rest of your life). I don’t know about you, but I want to show up as a parent that feels confident and hopeful for my children. I want them to be able to borrow my belief in them when they’re struggling to believe in themselves. This is possible for all of us, but there are some patterns that might get in your way. Common Thought Errors in ParentingThere are several common ways we can get caught up in thought errors or cognitive distortions.  Negative thought bias. A viewpoint that the world is not so great. My kid’s behavior isn’t good. That’s just the way it is. You expect that things will go wrong.Whether you have a positive or negative outlook, no matter what thoughts you are thinking, your brain will find evidence to prove you right. Some people naturally have a more negative outlook, while others will have an easier time thinking more positively. Either way, you can train your brain to look for the good more often. Black-and-white thinking. Viewing a behavior or your kid as good OR bad. Watch for all-or-nothing or extreme kinds of thoughts. Try to notice what is actually happening right now without projecting it into the past or future. Focusing on the negative more than the positive. Let’s say you went on a family vacation that was mostly good, but there were a few negative experiences. When a friend asks you how your trip was, will you say it was mostly good or that it was a disaster? If you...

The term “accidental neglect” might sound a little harsh, but it also describes what your child experiences when you’re on your phone. You might be disconnecting from your kid without realizing it. Today, I’m talking all about what your child sees and feels when you are on your device and strategies for better phone etiquette around kids.You’ll Learn:Why your kid often bothers or interrupts you when you’re on your phoneHow kids experience your phone useThe difference between real-life and online interruptions4 simple strategies to be more intentional with your tech and connected to your kidAs a society, we really aren't doing our kids a solid by having a distracted parenting experience. It's actually changing our children's nervous systems and their brain patterns. I believe that we can figure out new ways of relating to tech so that we can have a more connected experience for our kids and future generations.Listen to learn how!---------------------------Accidental NeglectEven as an adult, I’ve noticed that I feel a little lonely when I am in a conversation or with someone and they look at their phone. You see them kinda glaze over, and their mind becomes totally consumed with whatever they’re looking at on the screen. And when someone is on their phone, you don't know what they're doing. You don't know if they're responding to a message, reading a news article or playing a game. You can't really see what's on someone else's device.As adults, we can imagine what they might be doing because we also have these online worlds that exist on our devices that we engage with. We can take a guess at when they’re doing and soothe ourselves. Kids who don’t yet have an online life don’t have the ability to go through this mental process and put themselves in your shoes. They have no mental map of that online world. They don’t understand what you’re being drawn to.So, when you are having a conversation with your child, helping them with their homework or playing a board game and you pick up your phone to check a notification, your kid feels rejected. They experience that moment as neglect, even though that’s not your intention. To them, the phone is almost like a sibling that they’re jealous of. When you get distracted, they get dysregulated. Next thing you know, you’re frustrated with your kid and think they’re being rude by interrupting or bothering you when you’re on your phone. You find yourself in a conflict or disciplining them. But in this situation, their nervous system is truly being affected. They feel like they’ve lost connection with you. It’s unsettling, and they don’t know how to deal with it.  Real Life vs. the Online WorldIn real life (aka not online), when there is an interruption, the other person can see what’s happening. There is etiquette that we practice around this. With real-life interruptions, like an in-person conversation or a phone call, your child sees the other person or hears the phone ring, watches you pick it up and hears you speaking to the person on the other end. They experience it along with you. We also usually explain what is happening. We say, “Excuse me for a minute, I need to step outside and talk to my colleague.” You probably give them something else to do, like look at a book or color a picture. We communicate a lot of information and let them occupy themselves. You pause and provide a little mental map so that your child knows what is happening. They don’t see you as absent for an unknown amount of time. Online interruptions are not something your child can embody in this way. It’s nothing they can see or hear. What they see is that you are leaving them, you’re distracted and you seem to drift...

Today on the podcast, registered psychotherapist, art therapist and author Amelia Knott is helping us discover the art of thriving online and sharing ways to reconnect with yourself, your thoughts and your sense of wellbeing.You’ll Learn: Common challenges that result from the online space and being constantly connectedHow to reconcile the good and bad of the internet and social mediaWhat art therapy is and how it helps us connect with ourselves and our needsIdeas for starting your own creative practiceEven (or especially) if you don’t think of yourself as an artist, stick around. This is not like your middle school art class! ----------------------------------Amelia Knott is a Registered Psychotherapist + Art Therapist. She's also an artist, content creator and author. Her book The Art Of Thriving Online was recently published. Her mission is to support people in their mental health by combining psychotherapy, counseling and art making.Art as TherapyAmelia’s passion for this work came from profound experiences as a young person who was given the opportunity to use her creativity to work through significant grief and trauma. She explains that, for many of us, language can feel quite limiting. It can be difficult to put our feelings into words. But art, whether it be writing, collaging, painting, drawing or any other creative medium, allows us to tap into our intuition and deeper parts of ourselves. Art creates another access point to emotional regulation, communication, self soothing and self awareness. It has the capacity to surprise us when we look at something from another vantage point and helps us grapple with two things being true at the same time. Art gives us agency in what type of art we create, what materials we use and what we choose to do with them. It allows us to practice being imperfect without consequences. Whereas a drawing or painting class is focused on teaching a technical skill (and may end up making you feel like you aren’t a creative person at all), art therapy is much more about how the process feels. The final product isn’t so important. It’s about finding meaning in creating it.  Challenges in the Online WorldIn her new book, The Art of Thriving Online, Amelia helps us bring awareness to how our online existence might be impacting us. While we both agree that there is a lot of value to the online space, it also comes with a lot of challenges. In many cases, it messes with our attention, sets an unrealistic standard and gives the sense that the world is more divided, scary and dangerous than it actually is. Pretty much all online platforms, from social media to ecommerce and news websites, are designed to keep us engaged for as long as possible. They’re also designed to make it hard to stop. There’s no limit to what you could discover or feel inspired by, which means there’s also no limit to the things you could miss out on. You could scroll forever, but it often pulls us away from what we truly want and need. Because of this pull and easy access to a screen that is distracting us in 10 different ways at once, our attention is fractured. It becomes hard for us to focus and actually get stuff done, which leads to overwhelm. We’re no longer accustomed to spending time getting a task or set of tasks done all at once. Our nervous systems get activated by the type of information we’re fed online. In an effort to hold our attention, more “captivating” content (i.e. content that is inflammatory, divisive, negative or scary) is usually pushed out more readily than positive and hopeful posts and...

Just like the rest of the body, your brain needs times of attention, focus and activity as well as times of rest. Today, I’m talking about two different networks within the brain and how to toggle between them. It will help you understand how to get your brain to do more and rest better so you can feel more focused and less overwhelmed. You’ll Learn:What the Task Positive Network and Default Mode Network do in your brain and why they’re both importantWhen and how to toggle between the two networksDifferences between neurotypical and ADHD brainsWhy screen free default mode is importantStrategies for getting more high quality rest for your brainYou can apply this to your own life and also use it to understand what’s going on for your kid when you’re trying to get their attention. You’ll learn how to create better quality downtime for yourself and how to help your kids get back on task when it’s time. ----------------------------Understanding The Networks in Your BrainThe two networks we’re talking about today are called the Default Mode Network and Task Positive Network. Default Mode Network (DMN). This network is exactly what it sounds like - it’s our brain’s default. You can think of it as wakeful or active rest. You’re not really thinking about or focusing on anything in particular. Your mind gets to wander. It’s where we daydream and let our imaginations go free. This is the part of the brain that helps integrate what you've learned and take it from short term memory into long term memory. The DMN is not present minded. It helps you relive the past, reflect on things that happened, and also imagine the future. It’s linked with bigger picture thinking.However, this part of your brain can also be a little like a toddler in a toy store. Without any boundaries, it’s going to go everywhere and be really scattered. For many of us, our unchecked brain defaults to a negative perspective. We get into fear-based and anxious overthinking or ruminating. You might find yourself over-processing the past and anticipating the future. So instead of the daydreaming creating a happy, relaxed state, you end up spiraling into negative anguish. The DMN can be a very positive place if we harness it a little bit. We can train our brain to make this network a really safe, fun place to be (more on that later). Task Positive Network (TPN). This is the network where your brain is very active, and you’re doing tasks that require your conscious attention. Here, you’re processing sensory input, working with your short-term memory, thinking abstractly and solving problems. As a parent, you spend a lot of time in the Task Positive Network throughout the day. You’re focused on all sorts of tasks - scheduling, meal planning and preparation, keeping up with homework and school papers, and so many other pieces. Your brain goes into overload, and you end up feeling overwhelmed or burned out. At its best, TPN is sometimes also called “flow”. It’s when you are really focused on what you’re doing and tuning out everything else. The brain loves to be in TPN and this flow state, but it takes a lot of work to stay there, and it’s easy to get distracted. If you see a person with ADHD, anxiety or depression, they often say things like, “I can’t even think straight,” “I can’t seem to get anything done.” This is probably because they aren't able to stay in TPN long enough to achieve something. This distractibility is becoming more and more common, even in people without ADHD, because as a society, we’re spending less time in the TPN. It’s like a muscle that we need to train so that we can stay on track. Some things that pull us out of TPN are

In this episode I'm talking about what I call the screentime dilemma - basically the overwhelm and frustration you feel around figuring out screens. I’m helping you understand why it feels so hard and why it actually falls outside of your wheelhouse as a parent. You’ll Learn:Why figuring out screentime is so confusingHow screentime is following in the footsteps of driving, smoking and dietary recommendationsCurrent best practices for kids and screensWhat I’d do about screens if I ran the governmentWith tech and screens, we’re all making it up as we go along. And - news flash! - it’s not working out very well. Listen to learn how to handle this confusing topic in your family.-----------------------------------There are a lot of areas of parenting where you know what’s best. Adults need about 8 hours of sleep every night. You shouldn’t eat a bunch of sugar at every meal. Your kid can’t drive until they have a license. For these things, there are laws or guidelines that give you a mental map for how things should go.The Screentime DilemmaIn my opinion, screentime limits are a little above our pay grade as moms. It’s kinda the Wild West of parenting, because there aren’t a lot of guidelines or oversight. So, you have to be the sheriff in a house full of robbers that want it all the time. You don’t really know what the rules are supposed to be or how to enforce them. There’s no Surgeon General’s warning or food pyramid of screens. And you’re (probably) not an expert on childhood development and the human brain.So we, as regular people, are left trying to figure out what’s normal and what’s best for our kids. No wonder you’re overwhelmed!Guidelines in Our SocietyIn this little history lesson of rules and guidelines in our American society, you’ll see that when something new comes around, it takes almost an entire generation to set clear rules around it. And until the government realizes that something is causing a problem or that our kids need to be protected, we’re pretty much on our own.  Here are a few examples…Cars. The first car was invented by Carl Benz in 1886. It was 20 years before states slowly started to require a driver's license, and it was even longer before age restrictions came into play. It was 30 years before the first stop sign was installed and 66 years until the seat belt was created. 70 years after the first car, driver’s licenses were required nationwide in the United States.In the beginning, there were no rules or restrictions, and now there are a lot. As a society, we agree that an 8-year-old shouldn’t drive a car. We’ve decided that somewhere around 16 or 17, people are mature enough to handle a vehicle, but we don’t yet know how old someone should be to handle the internet.Food. Prior to the 1960s, most food was prepared at home with basic ingredients. After World War II ended, manufacturing shifted from creating machinery and supplies for the war to machinery for the home and agriculture. The way we processed, stored and distributed food changed. More cheap, processed foods solved the problem of there not being enough food to go around, but we also created poorer quality food in order to get it to more people. 20 to 30 years later, the Surgeon General started to notice that nutrition and health were decreasing in our society, and chronic diseases were on the rise. Mandatory nutrition labeling on all packaged food went into effect in the 1990s, but a lot of consumers didn’t really know much about carbs, fiber, sugar or calories, so they created food guides.When I was a kid, we had the 4 basic food groups as our guideline. Then came the pyramid, which was just confusing, and now we have the simplified “My Plate” model. The purpose

One of my kids has pretty severe ADHD. When he was younger, it showed up a lot in the form of hyperactivity and impulse control. The challenges have evolved as he’s gotten older. Today, I’m talking about my experience of parenting a kid with ADHD and sharing what I’ve learned along the way.You’ll Learn:Why ADHD is about way more than behaviorsWhat it’s like to experience our modern world with an ADHD brainHow societal expectations for order can clash with the spontaneous and creative nature of those with ADHD.What ADHD brains need and how to give it to your kidI’m not an expert on ADHD. I’m a parent who’s been there, and I’ve helped lots of other parents navigate life with a neurodivergent kid, too. Listen in to learn strategies you can use to help your kid and work with their unique brain.-----------------------------------Rethinking ADHDMy goal is to help you understand ADHD more, because the more you understand, the more you can help your child understand. The more you understand what's going on for them, the more compassion you'll have and then the less critical you will be. When someone is neurotypical, it simply means that their brain is developing in a typical way, they’re hitting common milestones, etc. With a neurodivergent brain, a child will hit milestones at a different pace, and different challenges will come up. Their development is diverging from the typical path.It's important that you don't compare your child's development with their peers who are neurotypical. Instead, you want to compare your child's development to themselves - their past self to their present self and their future self. The sooner you're able to recognize that they're on their own timetable, the less frustrated you'll be when you see some of the traits and behaviors that come up with ADHD. The ADHD ExperienceThe main three features of ADHD are attention deficit, impulse control issues and hyperactivity. Imagine being in a really crowded room, and everyone around you is talking all at once. No one's talking to you, but you're hearing everybody talking. Then, somebody suddenly asks you what the person next to you just said. You would have no idea, because you weren't listening to that one person. You were listening to the entire room speak. When there’s a lot of stimulation, noise or activity, an ADHD brain can’t figure out what it’s supposed to be paying attention to. This is the “attention deficit” piece. Overstimulation is very overwhelming for someone with ADHD. Attention deficit can also look like someone putting their attention on the “wrong” thing. And it’s difficult for an ADHD brain to change direction once it gets going. It’s like a train stuck rolling down a track, but it’s not the track that we want it to be on. We want them to slow down or change direction, but the braking system is very difficult to activate. Impulse control is also common with ADHD. These kids might have more trouble with delaying gratification, procrastinating, understanding how time works or creating a plan or sequence of events.Hyperactivity can also be thought of as hyper-arousal. In daily life, you might notice behaviors like:Missing details or making careless mistakesNot staying on taskSeeming to not hear when spoken toTrouble organizing tasks or creating orderLosing things easilyBeing easily distracted or forgetful in daily activitiesRestlessness, getting out of their seat, always on the goTalking excessively, interrupting or blurting out answers in schoolTrouble waiting to take turnsAvoiding tasks that take a lot of mental...

A manifesto is a list of principles to help guide you how you want to live each day. Maybe you’ve made one before and didn’t even realize it. Today I’m sharing my parenting manifesto and showing you how to create one of your own.You’ll Learn:What a manifesto is and why it is so helpful in parentingThe commitments behind my parenting manifestoWhat I would add or change if I wrote mine over againHow to create and use your own parenting manifestoI first went through the process of creating a manifesto in a business coaching program years ago. And I realized that, if raising my children is the most important thing in the world to me, I also wanted to have a list of principles to commit to as a parent. ----------------------------------The Calm Mama ManifestoThis manifesto is included in the Calm Mama Handbook that all of my clients get. You can also click here to download a printable PDF.This particular manifesto is not our family’s. It is mine. This is what I wanted to commit to as my kids’ mom. It’s also represents what I help other moms do inside my programs. Parenting is my opportunity for growth. I wanted to look at this experience of raising children as an opportunity to become a more whole and healed person. To invite learning in and not fight against the obstacles that come with parenting. Demonstrate love without condition, no matter what they say or do. I didn't want to be a parent that only showed love, kindness or care to my kids when they were being good. I would not just love my kids. I would demonstrate that love, and I would never pull it away. Listen with curiosity and compassion. I wanted to commit to listening to my children and being curious about their lives, their thoughts and their interests. I chose to think that they are really interesting people and to listen to them because I want to get to know them. I also wanted to listen with compassion to understand what is driving their behavior.Model work, play and rest. I wanted to be a parent who showed them what hard work looked like. I also actively chose to be a playful parent and bring in strategies that teachers would use to connect and play with kids. And I let my children see me rest. Provide. I always say that you can give your kids access and opportunity, but you can’t make them take the opportunity. My manifesto includes providing food, shelter, education, opportunity, support, advice, guidance, modeling and love. Take care of myself so they don’t have to.  My mom didn't always really take good care of herself, and she allowed her health to deteriorate, which created problems for me in adulthood. I decided I was going to be healthy and strong. I would eat well, move my body, manage my stress, have a good social life and have meaning and purpose in my life. Be comfortable with my kid’s discomfort.  No matter what is going on for them, no matter how overwhelmed or stressed or sad or mad or hurt or confused they are, I am going to be okay with the mess that they bring to me. I'm not going to let it rile me up or tip me over. I’ll be the anchor in a storm of their life. Show up for them, not for me. I didn't want to make their life about myself. I wanted to parent for them; not because I got something out of it. They have a whole life and a whole set of choices that I actually don't control. I'm letting myself

Today on the podcast, I am interviewing Tracey Yokas, the author of

Today on Become A Calm Mama, you get double the parent coaches! My guest, Eileen Devine, specializes in supporting parents who are raising kids with neurobehavioral conditions. Signs that your child might be struggling with a neurobehavioral conditionCommon challenges for kids with neurobehavioral conditions and their parentsEileen’s favorite mantra for difficult moments3 key factors to find strategies that work for your kid’s brainListen as Eileen’s shares her “brain first” approach to parenting, along with practical strategies to support your child and yourself as you figure out what works best for your kid’s unique brain.--------------------------------If your child is experiencing a neurobehavioral condition or if you’re seeing behavior that seems really out of bounds, extreme or scary, this episode will give you hope and tools for a calmer future.Eileen Devine works in Portland, OR as a therapist and coach supporting parents of children with special needs. Eileen has over 15 years of clinical experience and is the adoptive mother of a child with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD), a serious neurobehavioral condition. She believes that when we understand the way a child's brain works, we then understand the meaning behind challenging behaviors. You’ve probably heard me say that feelings drive behavior. Eileen will show you how the way your child’s brain interprets the world influences their behavior, too.  What Are Neurobehavioral Conditions?Simply put, neurobehavioral conditions happen when someone’s brain works differently. As a result, a person experiences the world differently than society expects, and it can show up in behaviors. There are a lot of reasons why this can happen (sometimes we know the reason, and sometimes we don’t). There might be a medical diagnosis of ADHD, autism, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder or prenatal or postnatal trauma. Neurobehavioral conditions can also show up in kids with neuroimmune conditions, brain inflammation or rare seizure disorders. Eileen explains that, while some parents get a clear diagnosis or explanation of the cause of their child’s condition, not all do. And it can be discouraging for parents to relentlessly search for a diagnosis, thinking it will tell them everything they need to know.The fact is that all of these diagnoses point to the brain, and no matter the cause, you need to work with the symptoms to see behavioral change. Parenting Mindset Shifts The behaviors that come with neurobehavioral conditions can be really challenging for parents. You might struggle with deeply held beliefs about what it looks like to parent a child of a certain age. It’s easy to become reactive when your child is rigid in their thoughts or lacks tolerance for minor frustrations or can’t understand other people’s perspectives. You might even make that leap that these are more than behaviors - they are your kid’s character. It’s scary to think that your child isn’t growing into a good person.But your child is not their behavior. And with these brain-based differences, it will be necessary to make certain accommodations. A major mind shift that Eileen helps her clients make is realizing that these behaviors are not because your child doesn’t care. They’re not lazy. They’re not manipulating you. They might simply be in an environment or have expectations on them that they don’t have the skills to meet right now. Some other mindset shifts that Eileen loves can also be used as mantras when you’re in a difficult moment:My child would be doing better if they could.This is as hard as I think it is. And also, I’m going to be okay.Stay soft. I am...

Recently, the U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory saying that parents aren’t ok. There’s a lot that goes into raising emotionally healthy kids, and a huge part of it is your own mental health, including how you handle stress and negative emotions. In today’s episode, I’m breaking down this 36-page advisory and sharing some of the highlights (or lowlights) of the report in simple terms.You’ll Learn:Why parents are so stressed out (it’s not just you)The problems with parent stressThe Surgeon General’s recommendations for supporting parents in our societyWhat you can do to better manage your stressI find it encouraging that someone in a position to make change is acknowledging this problem. And I hope that as I talk about the issue of parent stress, you feel seen and it helps you understand what’s going on for you. ------------------------------------Why is Stress a Problem for Parents?Your mental health affects the well-being of your children. When you have a lot of stress in your life, particularly if it is severe or prolonged, it’s going to have an effect on you. And the way you handle it is going to affect your kid.If you’re dumping your stress or negative emotions on your kid, emotionally checking out or not doing things that need to be done because you’re overwhelmed, it might create a problem for your child. The Surgeon General says, “The stresses parents and caregivers have today are being passed to children in direct and indirect ways, impacting families and communities across America.”We live in a society and parenting culture where stress is pervasive. And this stress on parents impacts the health and well-being of our entire society.  The Parents Aren’t OkAs I outline these different types of practical, mental and emotional stress, you might relate to some and not others. Notice what is causing you the most stress right now. Parenting itself is stressful. We’ve known this forever, right? You’ll experience different stressors during different developmental stages, but they all have their own challenges. I talked more about the 3 stages of parenting on the podcast a few weeks ago.Money and financial strain. Financial worries continue to be a top stressor among parents. We likely all feel some level of financial insecurity, if not for ourselves then for our kids’ futures. And if your family struggles to even meet your child's basic needs, pay for child care costs, and provide for health and education expenses, the stress is more intense. Time. The amount of time parents spend directly caring for their kids has increased significantly in the past 40-ish years, but we still have the same number of hours in the day. When you’re trying to balance work, kids, aging parents, and other responsibilities, of course you’re feeling conflicted, guilty and burned out.Mental load. There's a significant amount of mental labor involved with parenting - Balancing complex schedules, anticipating your kid’s needs, making hundreds of decisions a day on behalf of them, monitoring their progress. When so much mental capacity goes to your kid, there isn’t a lot left to focus on other things. It can negatively impact your own cognitive functioning and psychological well-being. Because when you are consumed by thinking about someone else's well-being, you're not thinking about yours. This is one of the big reasons why self-care

Today I’m talking about Venmo moms, volunteer moms and everything in between. If you haven’t heard of a “Venmo mom”, it’s a term that’s been going around on TikTok and Instagram lately. Essentially, a Venmo mom is someone who isn't really interested in being a hands-on volunteer with their kid’s school, team, etc. They wanna just send some money to support those programs. You’ll Learn:Why Venmo moms and volunteer moms may not be so different from each otherThe good, bad and ugly of volunteeringWhy there’s so much mama drama, especially in the elementary school yearsHow to start showing up as whatever kind of mom you want to beIn my opinion, one is not better than the other, but we can learn something from both approaches.---------------------------Venmo MomsI recently saw a TikTok from @nealfamilychaos, who was talking about how she doesn’t want to do all the hands-on stuff, but when she just sends cash, she feels judged by other parents who volunteer a lot. She said, “I don't want to be on PTO, PTA, room mom, team mom. I don't want to do any of that.” And she said that she feels really stressed when they start asking for volunteers. Her video went viral, and there were a lot of comments from other moms who felt the same way. Even moms who do volunteer shared how much they appreciate the moms who send in money. There’s a place for everyone. It's easy to compare yourself to other moms and to judge yourself or think that other people are judging you. But the truth is that there are so many ways to be a mom, and we all have different capacities and amounts of time, energy and money. I love this TikTok mom for owning her own story and reality. She’s okay with who she is and the way she’s willing (and not willing) to contribute. You can let your no be no - No, thank you. I'm not interested. I'm not available. I'm not open to volunteering this year. That's not gonna work for me. And just let that be okay. You're doing your best. You're doing what is right for your family, what works for your kids or you or your finances or your time or your energy. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.  Volunteer MomsThere are benefits to being involved, on the inside and having some influence, but it can also come with a lot of demands, pressure and time. I’ve been the volunteer mom at certain stages. The first year my oldest son was in elementary school, I really didn’t know anything about our Parent Faculty Association, and I didn’t want to do anything. Over time, I started to get more involved. I became a room parent, started to take on some leadership roles and eventually became the president of our PFA. There’s a lot of unpaid labor in the mom world, and this video really made me think about all the things we’re paying for - either with our money, our time or both. It brought up some questions for me that you can use to determine where you want your time, energy and dollars to go. Is it necessary? Maybe we don’t actually need to be doing all this stuff for our kids. Maybe we don’t need a special treat after every soccer game. Some of the things that have become expected or the norm really might not be necessary at all. And by overparenting, we’re creating too much work for ourselves. How can we distribute the workload? Of course, some things are necessary. It’s not fair for the stay-at-home parent or the primary parent to be giving all of their time and energy to the school. It’s a huge sacrifice. Can we outsource or do things in a different way that puts less burden on...

I’ve just dropped off my youngest son at college. And rather than focus on my home being an empty nest, I like to think of it as my roomier nest. You’ll Learn:How to find the wisdom in procrastinationThe different ways feelings show up in our bodies and mindsMy take on an empty nestWhat I want out of this next stageI hope that by sharing my story and perspective, you’ll feel less alone and understand what we’re really going through during this time. ---------------------------My Roomier Nest StoryOn Sawyer’s drop-off day, I really didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t start the day in my big feelings, but I recognized that I’d been finding ways to procrastinate and avoid this day all summer. I really didn’t want to even think about him leaving. Even as the time grew closer, I kept myself busy with the practical pieces, the shopping, the planning.When move-in day came, I noticed that I was grumpy and testy, which is unusual for me. When I got in my car after a physical therapy appointment, I suddenly felt so sick - nauseous and heavy, like I’d been punched in the stomach. The closest name I could give the emotion was dread. But it wasn’t in my head. It was fully in my body. Something in my very core did not feel good. As soon as I got home, I started to cry really hard. I pulled it together for an amazing call with the Calm Mama Club, and when I got off of Zoom, I went numb. I kept going through the motions of running errands, packing up the car and riding to Santa Barbara. But through the whole drive, I could tell that my nervous system was on fire. I didn’t feel safe. I was anxious and on edge. I was breathing quickly and sweating. Again, it was such a physiological reaction. We got him moved in and met up with my older son for dinner. Afterward, it was time for Sawyer to go to an orientation meeting and start his dorm life. There wasn’t really a reason for us to go back with him, so we said goodbye in front of the sushi restaurant and he drove away. It wasn’t how I pictured it. I thought we’d go back to his dorm, I’d take some pictures, we’d have some more time. As my husband and I started driving home, I wasn’t having a ton of feelings and I got really chatty (the opposite of my reaction when we left Lincoln at school the year before). But as we took the exit toward our house, my body went haywire. I got this overwhelming feeling in my stomach. Without getting too graphic, I made it home and spent the next 2 hours in the bathroom. It was like a physiological grief. I wasn’t thinking my feelings. I was feeling them fully in my body. To be honest, all of this was a bit of a shock to me. I hadn’t been feeling much. I thought I was okay. But the body never lies. We store stress in our bodies, and our bodies communicate with us. Finally, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt like someone had died. It was a deep, deep grief. My past experiences of grief have been physiological, too. I get very tired and achy. I need to be cozy in my bed. So that’s what I’ve been doing - getting up for the must-dos of my day and then retreating back to my bed.All of this to say, your reaction to this change may not be what you expected. It might sneak up on you or show up in a surprising way. Whatever you feel and however those feelings come up are okay. A New StageMy youngest son moving out marks the end of my motherhood years. Some part of my identity and my existence has ended. I need to allow this chapter of my life to come to a close.I loved raising kids, and the experience changed me on a deep level. I’ve used this...

Over the course of my experience being a mom and coaching hundreds of other moms, I’ve noticed 3 distinct stages of motherhood. No matter what stage you’re in right now, I want you to feel seen and understand more about why you feel the way you feel. In this episode, I’ll explain these stages and give practical advice for surviving the 3 stages of motherhood.You’ll Learn:The 3 stages of motherhoodHow to get a break when your body is exhausted and your brain is overwhelmedMy favorite tool to soothe your heart during the tween and teen yearsNone of these stages lasts forever, and there are things you can do to support yourself along the way.-------------------------------The Body StageIn the first 6 years of your kid’s life, parenting is very, very physical. Your kid is all over your body, wanting to be held, holding your hand, just wanting to be close to you. You’re using your body a lot so you’re physically drained, but you might also feel really bored at times because it’s not that mentally stimulating. When I was in this stage, all I wanted was a place where I could lay down and not have anybody touching my body. If you’re in this stage now, the goal is to take excellent care of your body. I’m not talking about fitness or the size or strength of your body. The key is thinking about how to rest your body and take care of it in a way that feels really good to you. Maybe it’s taking a long shower or bath, getting a massage, watching TV or laying down in the afternoon while your kid is napping. Be gracious with yourself. Of course you're tired. Of course you need rest. If you have the resources, you can also think about getting a babysitter for just a few hours a week so that you have a bit of a break. A family member or friend might be willing to help you out with this, too. The Mind StageWhen your kid is between 6-12 years old, you move into the mind stage. These years feel like a jigsaw puzzle of scheduling. You're trying to figure out how to get dinner on the table, get homework done, manage appointments and schoolwork and get your kids to the practices or activities that they need to get to.With your kids, this is also a time when you’re doing a lot of teaching and talking. They have questions. They want to complain and problem solve with you. The mental load during these years is huge. Your mind is going to be taxed during these years, so you need to figure out how to take mental breaks. What can you do to just relax and have fun? This is a great stage to spend more time with other moms. Maybe you love to read or want to do something creative or artistic. Maybe you just want to mindlessly watch Love Island for hours. No judgment here!If you’re at home during the day, taking a break before the kids get home from school will help you feel recharged and ready for the problems, sibling squabbles, homework, activities, etc. that start when they come in the door. The Heart StageWhen your kid gets into middle school and high school, you enter a stage where your heart is concerned for them all the time. It feels existential. It feels scary. It feels like you don't have as much power or control. Your kid is making decisions. They're creating new friendships. They're away from you a lot more, often for longer periods of time. This is the stage that I’m reaching the end of right now. My heart is so tender. I feel for myself. I get scared sometimes. I get overwhelmed. I get angry. I get worried. I have a lot of emotions. And I also feel for my kids as they go through all these hard stages of life. It feels like the only thing that’s really left at this stage is your heart connection with your kid. It’s beautiful, but it can also be...

It’s that time of year, so I’m back with an encore episode sharing my top 5 back to school tips. In this episode, you’ll find strategies (and a few reality checks) for a smooth transition into the new school year. You’ll Learn:5 challenges that often arise as school starts - and how to handle themThoughts to help you (and your kids) through the back-to-school transitionWhat your #1 job is as a mom in these first weeks of the school yearAn exercise to help you prepare your mindsetThe transition back to school from summer break is definitely a transition. There are special challenges that come up, and I want you to be prepared for the shenanigans that might happen with your kids in the coming weeks. ------------------------------I share these not because I want you to be filled with worry and dread, but because I want you to go into this school year feeling confident, ready and hopeful. And I want you to be able to feel calm when this stuff is happening.  My Top 5 Back To School TipsUnderstand that your kid may not like their teacher. Especially in the beginning and with younger kids, they might feel shy or not want to talk to their teacher. It doesn’t mean anything about your kid or what their year will be like. Quality relationships take time to build, and it’s ok if your kid doesn’t warm up to their teacher right away.Your kids are going to be exhausted the first week of school. Going back to school is really tiring for kids. They’re sitting still, having a lot of sensory input, learning new rules or routines and meeting new people. Keep the afternoons open and be flexible. I love to stay away from screens for the first hour and use this time for connection, outdoor time, or just a rest.Sibling conflict might shoot through the roof during this back to school transition. Try to create special time with your kids by spending 10 minutes or so one-on-one with each kid doing whatever they’re doing. Your kid really needs time to connect with you when they come home, and it is the antidote to sibling conflict and annoying behavior.Social stuff is going to come up. It happens at almost every age. Friendships shift over the summer, and navigating friendships might be hard for your kid. Give it some time and trust that your child is going to find their people, their friend group, and it's going to be okay. Be comfortable with your child's discomfort. When you believe that they’re going to be okay, it’s easier for them to believe it, too.Expect misbehavior to escalate over the next two weeks. Your child is going through a lot and using all their good coping strategies at school all day. When they come home, they can finally relax. And more Big Feeling Cycles (aka tantrums or meltdowns) are likely to happen.  Remember that your kid is using their behavior to communicate or cope with their big feelings. Take a moment to reset your own nervous system and get curious about what’s going on for them. If you can stay calm and practice compassion, your child will be able to move through these feelings more quickly.  Helpful Back To School ThoughtsFeeling calm and confident starts with your thoughts. Here are some of my favorites to use during the first couple weeks of school (as well as other transition periods).This is a transition. You can also add… and transitions are temporary. It will take time to figure out our rhythm and routine. These first couple weeks are a time of curiosity and exploration. What feels difficult? Where’s the friction? What’s working well?I...

It can feel really hard when your kid is unhappy or uncomfortable. It’s easy to blame yourself and feel like you should have done something differently. But your kid’s happiness isn’t your job. In this episode, I’ll explain what I mean by that and how you can help your child process their emotions without trying to solve all their problems for them. You’ll Learn:How much responsibility you have for your kid’s happinessWhy making your kid’s happiness your job might actually be creating other problemsHow to support your child through negative emotion in a way that empowers them to soothe and regulate themselfWe all want our kids to be happy. But what I want even more is for your child to be able to move through any emotion. I want them to be able to be flexible and to have resilience in the face of hardship. To develop those skills and traits, they need to experience discomfort.--------------------------------Motherhood is confusing. There are so many different stages and phases. Babies are so vulnerable. They rely on you for everything. But as kids get older, we have to figure out how to back away, give them more responsibility & freedom, let them grow, change & make mistakes so that they build the skills and resiliency that they need in order to launch into adulthood.One of the biggest skills you can teach your kid is emotional literacy - understanding what they’re feeling, how to express it and what to do with their emotions. Your Kid’s Happiness Isn’t Your JobWe all want our kids to be happy. But what I want even more is for your child to be able to move through any emotion. I want them to be able to be flexible and to have resilience in the face of hardship. To develop those skills and traits, they need to experience discomfort.Often, when your kid is upset or uncomfortable, you go into problem solving mode. You try to figure out how to help them feel better and how to prevent that kind of discomfort in the future. It’s normal not to want your kid to be unhappy, but there are a couple things that happen when you work so hard to prevent it. First, it might keep you from showing up the way you want to and being the emotional coach for your kid. When you think it’s your responsibility to make your kid happy, you might end up thinking negatively about yourself. You might think you’re not a good mom, that you should have planned/done/said something differently. You might see your child’s struggles as being your fault. Or think that you have to work harder and be better. This is a really hard place for you to be. And I want you to know that you don’t have to take on that guilt. Second, you end up paving such an easy path for your child that they don’t have the opportunity to work through problems on their own, which is how they develop resilience and emotional literacy. It simply isn’t possible to prevent all problems and discomfort. Even the most “perfect” parent (not a real thing anyway) cannot prevent unhappy situations from happening. None of us feels happy all the time. Your kid is going to have hard things happen. It’s a part of life. We don’t want them outsourcing their happiness to you or anyone else. Instead, we want them to believe that they have the power to make themself happy even when shitty stuff happens.Your job isn’t to eliminate discomfort for your kid. It is to teach them how to handle it and move through their emotions in a healthy way. Guide them when they are unhappy. Allow them to see that they can handle their feelings, that they know how to feel unhappy and how to shift to a different emotion. How To Support Your Kid’s EmotionsBefore you can coach your kid, you have to shift your own thoughts. If you are thinking, “It’s my fault. I have to...

If you’ve ever thought, “But my kid only listens when I yell,” this is for you. Today, I’m explaining why threats aren’t great when you’re trying to change behavior and what to do instead.You’ll Learn:Why threats might work short-term but aren’t great in the long runThe difference between threats and limits How to set limits that workWhat to do when your kid doesn’t stay within your boundariesIn traditional parenting, fear is often used to pivot a child's behavior. We get mean and harsh and threaten that something bad will happen if they don’t comply. But when you want to raise emotionally healthy kids who think for themselves, you need a different approach. ---------------------------------Why We ThreatenOne reason parents use threats with their kids is simply because it’s what they know. It’s how they were raised.But even for those of us who are practicing a more compassionate approach, threats still creep up.The reason is that when your kid misbehaves, you get into your limbic (emotional) center. You feel frustrated or overwhelmed. Changing the behavior feels like an urgent need, even an emergency. You get into “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” energy. You want your kid to listen to you and do what you tell them - right now. And when they don’t you might use threats to trigger fear in them and get them to comply. Why Threats Aren’t GreatThe truth is that when we use threats to trigger fear in our children, they are more compliant. It’s effective in changing behavior. However, there is a long-term cost to that short-term gain.Threats put your child into their fight, flight, freeze or fawn instinct, where they are driven by emotion. They feel vulnerable When you’re really upset with your kid and threatening them, it not only triggers a fear of the threat. It can trigger a deeper fear of rejection or abandonment. I don’t want your kids to respond to you because they’re afraid of being hurt, physically or emotionally. The other problem with the command-threat model is that when you tell your kid to stop doing something, their brain doesn’t really know what to do instead. We want to help them move from the limbic center (where everything is driven by emotion) to executive function (where they’re actually thinking). We want them to choose to do what’s in their best interest. By communicating limits, we tell them what we want them to do and help guide their brain toward the behavior we want.  Shifting from Threats to LimitsA limit helps kids understand what is expected of them and what they get when they meet those expectations. In the Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set, correct, you set clear boundaries and then let your child experience what happens when they don’t keep that limit. The goal of limit setting is not to get compliance in the moment. It is to get your kid to think about their actions and start to connect the dots between how they behave and what happens when they behave that way.Here’s how to get started with limits.Step 1: Flip the threat into a limit. Often, when a limit is needed, you’ll see a pattern of behavior that you want to change. Identify the problem and the limit you want to set around it, and communicate it clearly to your child.When you’re first practicing limits, it can help to start by saying it the “wrong” way - like a command along with a threat or a bribe. You might tell them that they need to stop doing something or else something bad will happen. For example, “If you don’t stop fighting with your brother, I’m turning this car around and going home.”Then, shift it slightly to focus on what the child can do or

Moms often start the summer feeling energized, encouraged and ready to go! Then around week 6 or 7, the kids are fighting, they never seem happy and everything sucks. This is your late summer pep talk to help you get out of that funk and get through the rest of summer.If you're having a great summer, I love that for you. But if you're struggling, if you're burned out, resentful or overwhelmed, if you're feeling like your kids are out of control, then this is your episode. You’ll Learn:Why this late summer with kids feels so tough (it’s totally normal!)How to get what you want out of the rest of the summerWhat to do when your kid’s behavior has gotten out of controlHow to fit mini breaks into your busy dayI’m giving you 3 strategies to help you reset your body, mind and limits. If you’re feeling crappy about how things are going, your kid is pushing boundaries or you’re just plain exhausted, these are for you.-------------------------------------Believe me when I tell you that you are not the only one feeling this way. We’re in the doldrums of summer, where the initial excitement has worn off but it’s not back-to-school time just yet. Whatever You’ve Done Is EnoughIt’s easy to look around and think that other families have it easier, other moms seem happier and other kids are having more fun. But whatever you’ve done is enough.Whether your kids are home or at camp, no matter what they’re doing, they’re probably going to look back on their summer as being pretty great. Because they’re not at school. Summer is magical for children. There’s fun and late nights and ice cream and maybe a vacation. You don’t have to create some unicorn magical experience for your kid in order to create a good feeling for them. So whatever you've done or whatever you've planned, I want you to sink into the fact that it's enough. Your kids are having a great summer because it's summer. That is enough. Late Summer StrategiesThat being said, there’s some summer left to go, and you might need a little boost to help you through it.This time of the summer can be a great time for a reset. I’m sharing 3 different strategies you can try. Option #1: Mindset ResetThis reset will help you figure out what you want out of the rest of the summer and make it happen.I often talk about chasing feelings, and this is exactly that. How do you want the rest of your summer to feel? How do you want to feel while it’s happening? Personally I have been feeling a bit discouraged, sad and disappointed lately, thinking things like, “This summer was wasted,” and “I didn’t plan well. I didn’t do it right.” So I’m working to shift to a more positive mindset. For the rest of my summer, I’m chasing connection. I want to feel really close to my kids. I’m practicing thoughts like, “I can make family time happen,” “My kids love hanging out with us,” “My kids want to be part of a family,” and “Connection happens in simple ways.”From these thoughts, I’ll decide on some actions I want to take to feel that connection. Then, I’ll ask my kids if they’d be interested in or willing to do those things. If not, we’ll brainstorm together and come up with some new ideas. Choose the feeling you want to chase, come up with some thoughts that will help you feel that way and make a list of actions that will help you get the thing you want for the rest of the summer. Option #2: Limit ResetIf your kids seem super dysregulated or you’re seeing a lot of sibling squabbles or out-of-bounds behavior, it might be time for a Limit Reset.A big thing that happens during the summer is that we go outside of our boundaries and get loosey goosey...

Today, I’m talking about how to do a digital detox, why you should consider trying it and the benefits to your kids. Plus, I’ll give you tips and some ideas of what your kids can do when they aren't on screens.You’ll Learn:What a digital detox is and why you might do oneHow to know if now is the right time for a detoxWays a digital detox can benefit your kidsTips for doing a digital detox in your familyI always say my life’s mission is to heal the next generation in advance. One of the ways I want to help you do this is by giving you strategies to avoid overexposing your children to the virtual world while underexposing them to real life opportunities.A digital detox takes screen time limits to another level. It is an intentional period of time (usually 2 to 3 weeks) when you’re taking screens off the table and resetting your child’s brain and nervous system. -------------------------------When our kids spend a lot of time in the virtual world on screens, the big opportunity cost is that they aren’t spending that time doing real life stuff. Before we really get into it, I want to remind you that just listening to this podcast or reading this blog shows that you care about being a parent (and you’re already a really amazing one!). No need to judge or criticize yourself if you realize that there are some things you’d like to change. Does Your Kid Need a Digital Detox?Kids’ brains were not built to be exposed to high levels of stimulation and dopamine all the time (which is what they get from screens). Digital entertainment can overload children’s nervous systems, increase their cortisol (a stress hormone) and make everything else seem boring. In our family, we introduced tech pretty slowly to our kids. They had really limited access to screens, and we didn’t give them video games until they were 10 and 12 years old. When the video games started, I immediately noticed intense dysregulation, more fighting and agitation. So, one summer, I decided to do our first detox. The first couple of days were a little rough, but I very quickly noticed that the intensity, dysregulation and frustration in our house cooled down. The kids started to play together more. They were more compliant. They were happier. So every once in a while over the next few years, we did a 2 or 3 week detox.Tantrums and Big Feeling Cycles are normal, but these are some signs that there could be some screen overuse going on:Screen time is getting in the way of real life connectionBehavioral concerns after screen time ends (tantrums, outbursts)Loss of interest in non-screen activitiesChild seems sad, anxious or withdrawnDifficulty expressing themselves or making eye contactIntense sibling fightsConstant complaints about being boredChild feels difficult to get along withStruggling in school or campChild has low-frustration toleranceChild’s ability to concentrate has decreased or not expanding Each kid’s nervous system and tolerance to screens is different. Ultimately, if your kid seems a little off-balance, I invite you to consider a digital detox.  Benefits of a Digital DetoxOne of my clients recently shared with me that she thinks the reason they’re having such a good summer is because they’ve pulled back all devices, and the kids are just playing all the time. When you do a digital detox and your child knows in their mind that they don't have the option of getting a device, it forces their brain to find other solutions. If you give the brain the chance, it will rise to the occasion.Here are some of the biggest benefits.You’re giving your child the gift of...

Cultivating a screen free mindset is the first step to helping your kids develop a healthy relationship with technology. Today, you’ll learn what it means to have a screen free mindset (it doesn’t mean no screens ever!) and how to get started setting new limits with your family.You’ll learn:The problems with too much screen timeScreen time best practices for kids of all agesHow I managed screen time for my kids from the early days through the teen yearsGuidelines to help you adopt a screen free mindsetExamples of limits around screen use (including what to do when they won’t turn it off)While you may not approach technology use in exactly the same way I have with my family, I hope this information will help you figure out what you want your family’s guidelines to be. --------------------------------As a parenting coach, I’ll never tell you what your values should be or what you should or shouldn’t do. My goal is to help you understand what your values are and give you strategies to help your life align with the values you choose. Ultimately, what I stand for is raising kids in a way that does not cause harm. As more research comes out about technology and screen use, we’re seeing that too much screen use actually does harm children. There aren’t a lot of protections for kids in the virtual world. Tech companies aren’t interested in limiting children's use because they get more money and data from that use. This means that it falls to parents to create those limits.Today, I’ll provide some best practices for kids and screens. While you may not approach technology use in exactly the same way I have with my family, I hope this information will help you figure out what you want your family’s guidelines to be.  Screen Use Best PracticesWhen it comes to things like sleep and nutrition, most of us have a general idea of what kids need. You can use those guidelines as a baseline ideal. You know how you want your kids to eat and how much sleep you want them to get, but you also know that some days will be closer to that ideal than others. The Centers for Disease Control, Pediatrics Magazine and the Journal of Adolescent Health (among others) are starting to establish similar guidelines for kids and screens. For our purposes, screens include tv, phone, tablet, computer or any other devices. Here’s what they’ve laid out by age:0 to 3 years old - no screens3 to 7 years old - 30-60 minutes per day7 to 12 years old - about an hour a day12 to 15 years old - 1.5 hours per day16 and older - 2 hours per dayCurrently, most kids ages 5 and up are getting around 5 hours per day of discretionary screen time - far beyond the recommended amount.And studies have shown that kids who have more than the recommended amount of screen time tend to have worse executive functioning, declines in academic performance, delayed language development and detrimental effects on social and emotional growth. They are also more likely to have obesity, sleep disorders, or mental health conditions like depression and anxiety.  Screen Free MindsetIf this is a little overwhelming to you, you’re not alone. Kids love screens, and you’re a busy mom. It’s hard to manage the time and boredom and all of it. But you can start with small changes, including the way you think about screens and your family.  Screen free mindset means that you make an intentional decision that your child's free, unstructured time should be screen free as the default choice. For example, if you’re waiting at the doctor’s office or in a restaurant, rather than handing them your phone, you decide that it will be screen-free time. The idea is that,...